If Only Burr and Capone Had Tweeted...

The no-holds-barred feud between cherubic pop star Justin Bieber and Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney has now gone into overdrive. The whole fracas got started when Mr. Carney, 32, said that Mr. Bieber, 18, shouldn't complain that he didn't get any Grammy nominations, because, well, he didn't deserve any.

"He's rich, right?" Mr. Carney said. "Grammys are for, like, music, not money. And he's making a lot of money. He should be happy."

But Mr. Bieber was not happy at all and tilted into Death Star mode, tweeting back that the Black Keys drummer "should be slapped around haha."

Rex USA/Everett Collection

Who's the better Twitter tussler: Justin Bieber...

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...Or Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney?

Haha? Haha? Did Mr. Bieber dare say haha? Not so fast, riposted Mr. Carney, who changed his Twitter alias to Justin Bieber, replacing his own photo with one vaguely resembling his newfound enemy. Then, tossing fuel onto the flame with a brilliant parody of Mr. Bieber's trademark tweeting style, Mr. Carney tweeted, "Gurl, you give me inspiration to make my music and toothbrushes and all thatz swag to u baby."

While Mr. Carney was waging this shocking, unprecedented scorched-earth campaign against the babyfaced pop star, Mr. Bieber's fans got into the act, unleashing all the naked, primordial savagery that social media can bring to bear on one's enemy. Typical was this contemptuous tweet directed at Mr. Carney:

"Do you even know how stupid and immature u look doing this?" demanded one tweeter, shortly before bedtime. "Aren't you, like, fifty?"

All this brings to mind famous feuds through the ages. It's one of life's great misfortunes that vaunted enemies didn't have Twitter around as a weapon. Such postings would have been unforgettable.

"The Presidency is 4, like, really smart dudez like Thomas Jefferson," tweets Alexander Hamilton, following it up with: "Aaron Burr should b happy 2 b vice president. At least he gets 2 keep all that filthy lucre."

Burr, livid, responds by posting nude photos of the former Treasury secretary on his Facebook page and sneering, "Bring ure gunz up 2 Weehawken, u lily-livered mountebank."

"So, like, u don't even know who ur pater familias is," tweets one of Burr's angered supporters, taking direct aim at Hamilton. Another tweets: "That's why u will never get your pockmarked puss on a benjamin. No 1 will ever say it's all about the hamiltons."

The Hatfields and the McCoys would have been similarly verbally inventive had Twitter existed at the time of their epic, decades-spanning vendetta. "So, like, what kind of name is Hatfield?" tweets Roseanna McCoy, prompting the Hatfields to publish graphic photos of the McCoy clan's eviscerated hog Bucephalus on their website.

"U thieving polecats give each other names like Devil Anse and Johnse," the McCoys fire back. "U are just so totally, like, the pot calling the kettle black."

"U yellowhammer claim-jumpers are, like, a hundred," tweets a miffed social media buff. "Do u no how stoopid this stuff makes u look? Anyway, Johnson is spelled Johnse."

Al Capone and Bugs Moran would have had a similarly memorable time in an online set-to.

"So what if Capone's going 2 Alcatraz?" tweets Capone's hated North Side rival. "Al Capone getz so much moolah he should b happy."

"Bugs Moran should get worked over with a leather sap ho-ho-ho," responds Capone. "I'd like 2 moide da bum."

"U 2 hoods should take it on the lam ho-ho-ho," says Eliot Ness, who changes his Twitter alias to Scarface to further infuriate his nemesis.

Other candidates for Twitter feuds range from Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis to Josef Stalin and Leon Trotsky to those famous old epic-movie friends turned enemies, Ben-Hur and Messala.

"Ben-Hur should b happy 2b a galley slave," Messala tweets. "Galley slavery is awesome."

"Messala should get dragged around the Coliseum until his face turns 2 raw chuck stake ha-ha," Ben-Hur replies.

"Your Mom should b a galley slave 2," an incensed Messala tweets. "She looks like a galley slave."

"Leave me out of this," tweets Ben-Hur's mom. "What are you guys, like, 8?"